Being There

What does it mean to be there?

In the last month, I’ve attended two funerals and officiated a wedding.

To attend: to pay attention; listen or watch attentively; to direct one’s thoughts; to be present and ready to give service.

Within each definition, there is an implied choice. When we choose to be there–to attend, we are choosing to give someone our time. It’s a bit staggering to think about time as an asset when you consider how nonchalantly we squander it surfing , scrolling, and devoting hours to Candy Crush.

Time may be our only innate and yet fully transferable asset.

A friend shared recently that he’d chosen to pass on a business trip. “I saw the look on my son’s face when we were discussing it at dinner,” he said, “and decided right then that I wouldn’t go.” What stood out to me wasn’t his choice to cancel the trip, because, while significant, those choices vary by circumstance, but rather that he regularly eats dinner with his family. He and his wife make being there a family priority.

I have another colleague who never spoke of having to pick up his kids; he always got to pick them up. He chose to see this responsibility as a privilege. When he was on the road, he and his wife had a routine of checking in at 10 p.m. Central time regardless of his current time zone.

He paid attention.

Being there means showing up. Sometimes it’s as easy as putting down your device. Other times, it’s inconvenient. Like choosing to drive the clogged highways of southern Illinois to visit a stepson in prison on the same weekend a solar eclipse was scheduled to achieve totality over Carbondale. Not easy. Then why do we do it?

I think you know. We do it for love.

For love, we struggle against our egos, our self-importance, and our fear to forge a deeper connection with the people in our lives. This kind of act-full loving enables our belonging and builds our tribe. Love is the only worthy motive.

To be there simply means we choose to belong.

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